If you want to know if you’re a truly “self-mastered” person, don’t spend so much time examining what you do when things are sailing smoothly along. No, no…It’s when the tide turns, the buttons are pushed, the emotions run high–now those are the times that shine a big fat bright light on how you’re really doing and where your issues are still.

Two nights ago, I really lost it emotionally and it was jarring. Especially as someone who works diligently to overcome negativity. On this night I was in a situation that, from the get-go, felt sticky–one that brought up all kinds of historic wounds and perceived lack. And, although I had thought that I was beyond reverting to childish over-reactions in these specific areas, I was (apparently) dead wrong.

Oh, did I mention that this all happened while entertaining?…I’m not sure if that’s what you call it when your mother comes for dinner with her live-in beau.

OK, so I guess I’m not over losing my father (August 8, it will be 2 years). I wonder… does anyone ever truly get past that?

Anyway, my saving grace, in the midst of everything, was (no surprise to anyone that knows me) my kitchen…thank goodness for my kitchen! Every time I felt choked with painful feelings, I would slip out of the room where we were having drinks and some savories, and I’d B-line it for the kitchen. Feeling as if I was trapped under water and in serious need of oxygen, once I was safe in my kitchen, the soft “blipping” sound and potent scent of chicken simmering with sausage and herbs seemed to throw it’s arms around me, as if wanting to assure me that everything will be alright.

Well, after two days, several good cries and a couple of long walks with Mango, my dog, I’ve finally become centered again.

And, I’ve learned a few things from this emotionally charged episode. I learned that suddenly going backward, while being committed to an upward path is not the end of the world (although it sure felt like it at the time). I learned to forgive myself for being soft because being soft is an important part of both, loving others and being able to let the love of others in. I learned, yet again, that blaming others for my reactive tendencies is totally self-sabotaging when wanting to move forward, and that it takes enormous strength to pause instead of heading into an old familiar dark place. I learned that, although there is always a lesson to be learned, thus a blessing to be had, it isn’t always immediately visible and that’s when trust needs to be found so it can provide comfort and the hope of clarity. I learned that when feeling overwhelmed, it’s a perfect opportunity to practice patience with myself and with others.

So, I learned that having the ability to, especially when feeling pushed, to pause, to trust and to exhibit patience are three very clear indicators of one’s level of self-mastery. I clearly have some work to do…

I also learned that my kitchen is not just a place to cook; for me, it’s a room where I can really breathe.

On this morning’s long walk with Mango, I enjoyed the amazing scent of honey suckles, linden trees, roses, lilacs, jasmine and even the magnificence of gardenias. Once on a busier street, the smells went from grassy to positively gassy. And, as we traipsed along the water, the salty smell of the sea filled my head along with the occasional stench of dead mollusks. Then, as we headed back home, I got to revisit the best and the worst of it all.

The point: Like the ups and downs we experience in life, I guess it’s all just part of a good, long walk.

Here’s a new recipe that represents the sweeter moments of “that night.” For a brief time, there was no pain at the table, and we were all just happily eating.

Vanilla and Amaretto-Laced Poached Apricots with Greek Yogurt, Honey and Toasted Almonds

Purposely, this is a large recipe because we finished the first jar so quickly that my family wanted to eat it again the very next day. So, I made it again, this time, doubling the original amounts. Although you can certainly halve it, these apricots make a wonderful gift and they also stay well in the fridge for several days.

Yield: serves 8 to 10 (may be halved)

Special Equipment:

• 5-quart saucepan
• 2 quart-size jars with screw-top lids

Ingredients

• 4 cups granulated sugar
• 4 cups water
• 1 supple vanilla bean, slit lengthwise, on one side only
• 20 firm but ripe, medium-size apricots, rinsed and drained
• Amaretto liquor, as needed
• Plain yogurt (preferably a Greek brand)
• Honey (mild-flavored)
• Sliced toasted almonds (to toast almonds: place the nuts on a shallow baking sheet in a preheated 350F oven for 10 minutes or until golden. Shake the pan occasionally, to help redistribute the nuts so they brown evenly.)

To make the poaching liquid and poach the apricots: Stir the sugar and water together in a 5-quart saucepan, over high heat, until mixed but still cloudy. Add the slit vanilla bean and continue to heat, stirring occasionally, until the mixture comes to a boil. Once boiling, let the syrup cook briskly for 2 minutes, which will totally dissolve the sugar and help disperse the vanilla specks throughout. Add the apricots to the boiling syrup and, keeping the pot on the original burner, reduce the heat to low. Let the fruit poach very gently, uncovered, for 5 minutes (start timing right after adding all the apricots –the syrup will not come back to a bubble).

The apricots poaching...

Carefully spoon the apricots into a large bowl and pour the hot syrup over them. Let cool, uncovered, until just warm. (It’s important that the apricots stay submerged with the syrup or some brown spots might form on those exposed. So, once just warm, it’s important to transfer the apricots, syrup and spirits to their jar(s).)

Here are the poached apricots steeping in the syrup...Soon you'll add the Amaretto (which really makes this yummy...)

To finish flavoring the apricots and to store them: Remove the vanilla bean and rinse and dry it so it can be used again. Carefully spoon the apricots into 2 quart-size jars and pour enough syrup over them to come 1 1/2 to 2 inches from the top of the jar. Pour in enough amaretto to fill the jar, leaving ½-inch head room at the top. (Expect to have some leftover syrup. You can keep it in the fridge to use in summertime drinks (it’s totally delicious). Cover the jars and tilt sideways to help the amaretto mingle with the rest of the syrup. Chill until ready to serve. Although the syrup will take on a deeper hue, the apricots as well as the syrup will be fine for several days, kept chilled and well covered.

Jars of poached apricots are so beautiful, don't you think?

To serve: Spoon two or three apricots into individual serving dishes and add some of the poaching liquid. Spoon some yogurt over the top and drizzle the yogurt with honey. Sprinkle some toasted almonds on top and serve with a spoon, fork and knife.

A delicious reprieve… I feel better just thinking about this dessert!

Tender, sweet, creamy and crunchy...just delish!

Tags: a sweet summertime gift of poached apricots, almonds, amaretto, amaretto disaronno, amaretto liqeur, amaretto recipes, apricot, apricot recipes, apricot syrup, apricots, dealing with the death of a father, how to be a self-mastered person, How to judge if you're truly a self-mastered person, how to poach apricots, how to roast almonds, how to stop being over-reactive, how to toast almonds, mothers and daughters after the death of a father, roasting almonds, roasting almonds home oven, the road to being a self-mastered person, what i've learned while trying to grow

Comments (5)

5 Comments »

1. Such a thoughtfully and honestly written piece!! keep writing, i love you
   Julie

   Comment by julie groveman — August 4, 2009 @ 10:37 pm

2. lauren, I love your self inquiry. Giving space for it all is the peace and surrender. Love your writing too. Love, Jane

   Comment by jane Sterling — September 19, 2009 @ 1:57 am

3. Lauren,
   Your writing and your “way of cooking” both have a way of reminding me of the best of what it is to be human.
   Thanks for that.
   Scott

   Comment by Scott — March 19, 2010 @ 9:33 am

4. Thank you, Scott, for writing. Cooking (on purpose) is just like living (on purpose)–Not always easy (both literally and figuratively) but doing it always helps us to have more control of the quality of our overall existence.
   Again, thank you for writing. I hope you’ll stay in touch.
   Laur..

   Comment by Lauren — March 20, 2010 @ 6:28 pm

5. Lauren,

   Just want to say YAY for you! This piece is timely and beautifully written. Thank you for your friendship and helpfulness to me, personally, and to others.

   Peggy

   Comment by Peg T — May 17, 2010 @ 9:23 pm

RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URL

Leave a comment